Every Third Thursday
by piratewench78
Summary: "I play these songs, every third Thursday at the Bluebird, I'm there playing these songs. You'd know that if you'd ever been once in the last ten years." What if she actually had been there?
1. Whiskey Lips

_What did Deacon sing every third Thursdays at the Bluebird? There are two sides to every story. Let's explore the genesis of the songs he wrote for and about Rayna and performed every third Thursday and her reaction to them. For surely, she couldn't resist knowing what was in Deacon's heart, and just maybe in hers._

 _This is a co-write with, and the brainchild of,_ _ **DeynaAU**_ _. We'll be taking opposite POV's and presenting how we think Rayna and Deacon lived these songs and how they moved them. We hope you enjoy as we explore Chip's songs that never made it on the show, but are very revealing about the Deacon/Rayna relationship._

 **Whiskey Lips**

They walked off the stage together, as they always did. She was pulling her ear buds out as they walked. She turned to look at him. "Great show tonight, didn't you think?" she asked.

"You killed it, like you always do, Ray," he said, with a grin.

She smiled and briefly gripped his arm. "You saved me out there a time or two, you know that," she said, with a laugh. She tapped his arm with her elbow. "You coming to the after party?"

He shook his head. "Nah."

"You sure?"

"You know it ain't my thing, Rayna," he said, with a shrug. "Me and after parties, they just don't mix too well."

She wound the ear buds up. "Okay, if you're sure. I guess I'll see you tomorrow when the buses pull out." She stopped as they reached her dressing room.

He nodded. "Yep. See you then." He kept walking. He wondered how long she stood there, watching him, but he didn't turn around to look. When he got to the elevator, he thought that maybe he was finally at a point where he could navigate an after party, that he was six years sober and should be more confident in himself. But it always came back to the fact that he wasn't doing this with her anymore, and that always made it hard.

When he got to his room, he leaned his guitar case against the wall and tossed down his messenger bag. He went to the mini-bar and pulled out a soft drink. It was one of those things Rayna had written into her contract, that at any hotel where there was a mini-bar, his was emptied of alcohol. It was his request and she always honored it.

He popped open the can and took a long swallow, then sat back and closed his eyes. He replayed the show in his head, thinking about what had gone well and what needed tightening up. It was his job to make Rayna, and the rest of the band, look and sound good and he took it seriously. She had repeated a verse twice on 'American Beauty', but that was really the only misstep. He smiled to himself, knowing she would beat herself up for it. She was probably having a hard time concentrating right now, in fact, because she'd be thinking about it.

He thought about the after party. _Me and after parties, they just don't mix too well._ That was true. That was the other reason he didn't like doing them. Back in the days when he was drinking, it was a surefire way for him to get drunk and for him and Rayna to end up in a fight. In the early days, before his first stay in rehab, it wasn't uncommon for both of them to drink. Whiskey was his drug of choice and she would drink it with him.

Back in those days, when she got a little tipsy, he'd call her Whiskey Lips. She would giggle and it would usually end up with them in bed. As time wore on, though, she was less amused by it and she'd get angry when he'd call her that. Sometimes he wasn't able to tell what he was more addicted to, the cheap whiskey or her. He hadn't been able to give up either one and for a long time, she had stayed beside him.

The day finally came, though, when she went away and that's when he'd had to acknowledge that the whiskey had taken everything he'd ever loved away from him. He hadn't been able to kick it until she'd moved on, marrying someone else and starting a family. He'd lost her and that's when he knew he had a choice to make. He could keep drinking until it put him in the ground or he could figure out how to move on himself. He'd decided on the latter.

The thing was, she was still his addiction, even if he couldn't have her, just like the whiskey was still an addiction, even though he worked hard every day not to give in to that either. He could hear a melody in his head then and he got up from the chair and pulled his notebook out of his messenger bag. He grabbed his guitar and then sat on the loveseat, opening up his notebook. He started to write, knowing that, yet again, every song he wrote was about Rayna.

* * *

He'd been playing at the Bluebird for years, all the way back to when he'd first met Rayna. In those days after he'd come back from that final trip to rehab, the Bluebird had been a saving grace. It had embraced him and given him a place to share the songs that came from the deepest, darkest places in his life. He'd had a lot to say, when he came out of rehab that last time, a lot of penance and forgiveness to write about. He'd lost everything he'd ever loved and he'd written more songs than he could count about that.

Eventually Erika had offered him a regular spot, every third Thursday, when he was off the road. He'd developed a bit of a following and most times the place was nearly full. One of the things he'd learned in rehab was that having a schedule and being disciplined in adhering to it was helpful. Having the discipline of a place to come and do what he loved best – play music – had helped to heal him.

He sometimes thought that spending his time writing songs about Rayna made him look foolish and like he couldn't move on. The truth was, he really couldn't completely move on. He would love her for the rest of his life and he would wait for her just as long. The only way he could work through all that was to write what he felt and so he wrote about her. He sang his songs and he sang their songs, at least the ones she'd never do on stage anymore.

'Whiskey Lips' was always a favorite. He'd been playing it at the Bluebird for every third Thursday since he'd started doing this. It would start off slow, then end with a bang. He'd written it on a night when she'd weighed heavy on his mind. He usually saved it for last because it always got the crowd on its feet. He didn't know if anyone who came to listen to him knew it was about Rayna Jaymes, but he didn't really care. All he knew was that every time he performed it, he could taste those sweet whiskey lips just the same as he had all those years ago.

* * *

Lost in her thoughts, Rayna was hurriedly leaving The Frothy Monkey with her triple mocha latte, when she nearly ran over her old friend, Pam Tillis. "Hey, Rayna!" Pam exclaimed.

"Pam, how are you? Sorry about that."

"No worries. Been there, done that!"

"Hey, I caught your performance at the Opry last week. Fabulous! That new album sounds like it's going to give the good ole boys and the tween twits a run for their money on the charts!"

"Oh, thanks, girlfriend. One can only hope there are still people out there that appreciate Johnny and George and Patsy's pure country. And, by the way, Rayna, you look great."

"Thank you! You'd think by the way the label treats me, my music and I should be put out to pasture."

"Don't you listen to them. You are still hot and have the pipes of an angel."

"Well, thank you. You always did know how to blow smoke up my ass!"

"Speaking of hot, I caught Deacon at the Bluebird last Thursday. I know you've moved on and have a wonderful and adoring husband and beautiful girls, but I don't think Deacon has resigned himself to the reality that you two will not end up together."

Rayna sighed. Pam was right, she did love Teddy, but if she were being truthful with herself, she'd have to admit that Deacon would always hold a special place in her heart that no one would be able to fill. He was her soulmate. He still knew her better than anyone. Since Daphne's birth, they seemed to have settled into a comfortable, amicable place. He was her best friend. "What do you mean?"

"He sang this song, 'I Miss You and Me' that just screamed, 'I miss Rayna'."

"I could flatter myself, but Deacon has had many women before and after me."

"Yeah, but you two were a once in a lifetime love. You fought hard, but you loved even harder. But, you're right, maybe I was just reading things into it."

"Well, hey, listen, I see the police tagging cars and I think my meter may have expired, so I'm going to hightail it out of here. It was nice catching up. Let's plan to get together soon."

"I'd love that. Say hello to Teddy for me."

* * *

It nagged at Rayna the whole drive home. She was happy for Deacon that he had his old every third Thursday slot back at the Bluebird now that they were off the road for a few months. But, her heart hurt thinking that he still pined for her. His song could have been for another woman, but Rayna highly doubted it. He had other women, but she had to admit he still looked at her with that raw want. When she occasionally caught his eye, he quickly looked away or busied himself with something else.

The songs that they wrote together and the ones that they wrote when they were together were an open book to their hearts. They let themselves be vulnerable in their songs and reflected their truth. Sometimes it was easier for them to sing the things they couldn't say. After one of their infamous fights and one of Deacon's benders, Rayna penned 'This Love Ain't Big Enough'. _Undertaker waitin' on somebody to go down / I'm gonna take what's left of this love / And put it in the ground_

Rayna chuckled to herself remembering how Deacon came back on his hands and knees, sober, asking her to take him back after he heard that. She also remembered that they had the most incredible make up sex that night. Just thinking of it made Rayna blush. Teddy was a gentle, giving lover, but Deacon was her teacher. He could do things to her and get her to do things to him that made her tingle just thinking about it.

* * *

As the week went by, Rayna thought more and more about Deacon's song. It nagged at her and also piqued her curiosity. Was Deacon still carrying a torch for her? On one hand she hoped not. She wanted him to be happy. But, on the other hand, she didn't know how she would feel if Deacon had those same feelings for another woman. Would it tarnish the love that they had? Would it make it all a lie? She knew she had no right to feel this way. She chose Teddy. Deacon deserved to have someone special, too. He deserved to have a family.

She was so proud of him. She knew he fought every day to stay sober. He'd stayed sober for 13 years. He'd been sober for all of Maddie's life. Rayna's heart ached at the thought. He _had_ a family. She took it from him. Now apparently he was still writing songs about her.

"Where you goin', Momma?" Daphne asked.

"Hey sweet girl. You should be in bed. Tonight's a school night," Rayna chided.

"I heard you in the shower."

"Well, sorry if I disturbed you, honey." She looked at Daphne and then over at Teddy who was reading the paper on the couch. "I have a meeting with Marshall to go over the plans for the album and the tour. Now how about before I leave I get you off to bed and tucked in?"

"Yay! I like when you tuck me in. Can I get a song, too?"

Rayna always found it hard to deny Daphne anything. The girl had the sweetest disposition. "Okay. One quick song." With that Rayna, grabbed her up and dotted her face with kisses as she carried her upstairs.

When she was done, she scurried back down the steps. Deacon was scheduled to go on at 9:30 and it was a good twenty minute drive to the Bluebird from Belle Meade. "Should I wait up for you or will you be late?" Teddy asked.

Rayna bent down to give him a quick kiss. "I should be home about 11:30. Wait up if you'd like, but if you're tired go on ahead to bed. I'll try to be quiet."

"Okay. Hope the meeting goes well. I'm sorry I put you in the position where you need to go back on the road right now."

"Hey, don't worry about it babe. I'll see you later or tomorrow over coffee."

* * *

Rayna entered the Bluebird through the back door. "Erika!"

"Hi, Rayna! So good to see you. Let me get you a table down front."

"If you wouldn't mind, I'd like to keep my presence quiet. Would it be possible for me to hang in the worker's locker area to hear Deacon's set? I don't want him to know I'm here."

"No problem. Can I get you a drink or a bite to eat?" "A whiskey neat would be great. Thanks."

* * *

She closed her eyes as she listened to him finish up the song he'd called 'Whiskey Lips'. She tried to imagine what it might have been like for him to write that song, what was going through his mind at the time, and what memories drove him to put these words to paper and melody.

 _She's my weakness and I give in  
No matter how hard I try  
My sweet addiction 'til someday when I kiss those whiskey lips goodbye _

The words might as well have been knives stabbing at her heart. His words hurt, because she hurt for him and for them and what was and what could have been. They hurt because she remembered the night he called her "Whiskey Lips" for the first time.

 _She was pissed at him. He'd missed another performance. He was passed out in their hotel room after partying all night with Vince. After the show that he missed, she found the nearest, seediest bar to tie one on herself. She was six whiskey shots in and near to numb when he rolled in, looking rumbled and hung over, but still so damn sexy._

" _Ray, babe, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I love you."_

" _No you don't. If you did you wouldn't do this to me, Deacon. What does it feel like? What does it feel like to get so drunk you can't feel? Huh, Deacon? I want to know!"_

" _Come on, baby. Let's go back to the hotel and talk. Don't do this. You don't want to do this. You'll regret it in the morning."_

" _Is that what I am? Something you regret?"_

" _Don't ever say that. You're the only thing that means anything. I love you Ray. Please let me show you."_

" _Sex isn't going to fix this Deacon! You need to stop doing this to me. I need to trust you. I need you as a partner. I'm doing this for both of us, babe. We're both going to be on the Opry stage someday. I don't want you to miss that because you're sleeping off a bender." Rayna was getting loud and they were starting to get more attention than either of them wanted._

" _Ok, Ray, you're right. Come on now, let's go back to the hotel, please."_

 _She was pissed, but she was still sober enough to know that they needed to get out of there. She felt like one of their infamous, knock-down, drag-out fights was on the verge of erupting. She slid off the stool into his arms. "Fuck you, Deacon."_

 _Her state and the stiletto heels she was wearing didn't help her balance any. Deacon stooped down and removed her shoes. She leaned against him and laid her throbbing head on this shoulders, tears now streaming down her face. He backed her up to his truck and leaned her against it to steady her while he fished for his keys. He got the door open and lifted her into the truck. He ran around the other side and got behind the wheel. He reached over and buckled her in. She had her head against the window, eyes closed and was mumbling incoherently._

 _The fresh air seemed to have exacerbated her condition and her face was pale. They were on the highway when Rayna yelled, "Pull over!"_

" _What's wrong, babe. We need to get you to the hotel."_

" _Dammit Deacon, pull over," she slurred._

 _He did. And, just as he stopped, Rayna opened the truck door, still buckled in, leaned out the door and started to empty the poison in her stomach. Deacon felt her pain. That usually was him. God help him though, he couldn't help but laugh a little. Rayna was a cute drunk. He went over to her._

" _Don't look at me. This is all your fault." She reminded him of his indiscretion and brought him back to reality._

" _I know babe. I'm sorry. Let's get you back to the hotel and cleaned up and in bed. You'll feel better in the morning. We both will."_

 _When Deacon got her back to the hotel he helped her get into the shower. She could tell he was thinking of joining her, but she put that thought out his head quickly. "No! Leave me."_

 _A little while later she slid into bed next to him, naked. She knew he was awake, but couldn't face him. She turned away from him and cried herself to sleep._

 _The next morning, he woke up first. He used the opportunity, as he usually did, to stare at her. Her red hair was strewn all around her. Her eyes were puffy from crying. Her brow was a little furrowed as if she was deep in thought and her lips were slightly parted as her sweet breath blew in and out. He reached over and gently caressed her cheek. She slowly turned toward him. She opened her eyes and looked into his with a thousand unasked questions. "I'm sorry, Ray. Please don't do that again."_

" _What, do what you do? Drink till I'm numb and my heart can't feel?" She was angry, but she spoke softly, gently, sadly._

" _There's not enough alcohol in the world to numb my love for you. I never want that feeling to go away, Ray. It's just that I have these demons that are always chasing me babe. I'm sorry that I let them get between us. I want to be there for you, always."_

 _She looked at him and cracked. She always did. He was in her blood. She couldn't not love him. He reached across her and poured a glass of whiskey. Rayna was about to protest when he dipped his finger in and ran it around her lips. He dipped his finger again and ran it down her throat, between the valley of her breasts. He then dipped several fingers so that the gold liquid dripped on her nipples. He reached down and rubbed it in until her nipples were perfectly erect. He grabbed the glass and slowly poured the liquid over her belly and over her mound. He dipped his fingers again and dotted each of her long, smooth, taut legs down to the toes. By this time Rayna's eyes were closed and she was breathing heavy, anticipating what was coming next. Deacon set down the glass._

" _My little Whiskey Lips. You're my addiction." His tongue and lips were on hers licking the whiskey off. They both moaned, hungry for one another. Rayna started to grab at Deacon, desperate to have him. "No, babe. Let me do this, for you."_

 _He gently grabbed her wrists and held them above her head while his mouth followed the path of his fingers. Placing butterfly kisses on her neck, sucking hard at her nipples, lapping up her legs until he found her core, that sweet spot that seemed to hold the sweetest nectar. When his tongue plunged into her, she couldn't stand it anymore. She screamed his name and gripped his head pressing herself into him until she lost all sense of time and place, nearly blacking out from the sheer pleasure of her release._

A tear escaped her eye and she quickly got up. What was she doing? What did she expect coming here, listening to him? She had a husband and a family. What would Teddy say if he found her here? What's more, what would Deacon think? She bolted for the back door and the shelter of her car. She got in and breathed out. She was shaking a little. And, God help her, she was wet thinking about the night he called her 'Whiskey Lips'. Pam was right, he wasn't over her. But, she had to ask herself, was she over him?


	2. Halfway Home

_What did Deacon sing every third Thursdays at the Bluebird? There are two sides to every story. Let's explore the genesis of the songs he wrote for and about Rayna and performed every third Thursday and her reaction to them. For surely, she couldn't resist knowing what was in Deacon's heart, and just maybe in hers._

 _This is a co-write with, and the brainchild of,_ _ **DeynaAU**_ _. We'll be taking opposite POV's and presenting how we think Rayna and Deacon lived these songs and how they moved them. We hope you enjoy as we explore Chip's songs that never made it on the show, but are very revealing about the Deacon/Rayna relationship._

 **Halfway Home**

It was nice being home for a few weeks. Now that the girls were older, they didn't travel with her on the road anymore, except for the summer, so she really missed them when she was gone. The girls had gone off to do their homework and she was wiping down the counters in the kitchen, after they'd had take-out Chinese. Teddy was in the study.

It was quiet in the house as she turned out the overhead kitchen light. Just the range light was on, giving the room a quiet, homey feel. When she and Teddy had first talked about building this house, she had balked. It was big and grand and not at all what she'd had in mind for her family's house. But he had reminded her that she was a celebrity and that, at some point, she would be glad for the privacy and seclusion. She still thought the house was a bit too large, but she couldn't deny that it had truly turned into a home, especially with both girls filling it with love and laughter.

She folded the kitchen towel and draped it over the handle on the oven. Teddy did more cooking than she did these days – and he was much more accomplished at it than she ever had been – but she loved her kitchen. It was her favorite room in the house. She sort of hated how people called it 'the heart of the home'. It sounded so cliché. But the truth of the matter was that it was the most comforting place in this house for her.

She glanced at the clock. It was just past eight on Thursday night. Deacon's every third Thursday night at the Bluebird. She didn't always go, but she'd felt drawn to it these days. She wasn't sure why, because it tugged at her heart, listening to him play songs he thought she'd never hear. Songs about her, songs about their life together, songs about how he waited for her. She sighed.

It wasn't that she didn't understand – she definitely did – but it made it that much harder to keep her own feelings on the back burner. Being on the road together was enough of a challenge, although to their mutual credit, they'd learned to keep things professional. He was her best friend though, the person who knew her better than anyone. Better even than her husband of more than ten years. She and Deacon had grown up together, gone through the fires of hell together, hurt each other in ways she would never have imagined two people in love could do.

Of course, she'd hurt him in the worst way of all. He just didn't know it. It pulled at her every time she looked at Maddie. Every time Maddie and Deacon were together. It was what kept her able to keep that boundary solid between them. She had waited such a long time, sure that his sobriety would fail, just like it always had all those times before. Then one day she had woken up and realized that her window of opportunity was closed. He'd stayed sober over tenfold times longer than he ever had before and still she had kept silent.

She put her hands on her hips and shook her head, trying to wipe away those kinds of thoughts, pushing them to the dark, private recesses of her mind. It did no good anymore to think about it, argue with herself about it. She thought maybe she shouldn't go to the Bluebird after all. It would just be too…close.

Her phone buzzed and she picked it up, her heart beat speeding up, just as though she'd been caught with her thoughts. It was Tandy. "Hey there," she said when she answered.

"Babe, could you pick me up some soup?"

She almost couldn't understand her sister, who sounded like death. She frowned. "Tandy, are you sick?"

"I'm dying."

"What?!"

"Well, I feel like it. Can you? Bring me some soup?"

She smiled to herself. "Yes, I can do that. Just hold tight and I'll be over." She disconnected and then walked into the study. Teddy was reading and looked up as she walked in.

"Hey, Rayna," he said, a pleasant smile on his face. "What's up?"

She walked over and sat in the chair next to him. "Tandy just called me and she sounds like death warmed over. I'm gonna go pick up some good chicken soup for her and then make sure she's okay. Will you be okay here with the girls?"

He chuckled softly. "I seem to manage most days," he said. "I'm sure I'll be fine."

She rubbed his arm and smiled at him. She had been lucky to find someone as solid and dependable as Teddy. They'd had their moments, when his business dealings fell apart, but he'd been a good husband. And a good father. She could have done so much worse. "I hate to leave, but she just sounds so pitiful." As she rubbed his arm, she caught sight of the beautiful diamond engagement ring he'd given her, after Maddie was born, that went along with the lovely band he'd given her the day of their wedding, just a few weeks after she'd told him she was pregnant. It gave her a jolt to the gut, but she took a deep breath and pushed it down. "Maybe I'll just kind of sit with her for a while, until she falls asleep. So I might be late. Is that okay?"

"Of course. Tell her the girls and I hope she's better soon."

She stood up then. "Of course. I'll see you later."

* * *

She slid in the back door at the Bluebird. She could hear Deacon on stage. He sounded so good. She didn't stop to listen to what he was singing as she pulled out her phone and checked for any messages. Tandy had been sound asleep when she'd left her. She felt a flash of conscience when she thought about not telling Teddy where she was going afterwards, but she pushed it aside. She stepped a little closer to the end of the hallway that led out to the main room, still staying hidden. She waited to hear what Deacon would play next.

 _ **####**_

"Hey, Deacon. Whaddaya have going on tonight?"

"Well, Cole, it's the third Thursday of the month, so I got my Bluebird spot goin' on tonight."

"Oh, right. Well maybe I'll just grab up Audrey and see you there. What songs you plannin' on doin'?"

"I got a new, old one that I'm feelin' needs to see the light of day and two tried and true crowd pleasers, "Dreaming My Dreams" and "Playin' Tricks".

"The old one you're feelin', is it about Rayna?"

"Come on, Cole, not all my songs are about Rayna!"

"Ok, you believe what you want to believe Deacon, but they are about some woman you loved and lost."

Deacon got defensive and a little embarrassed for being called out. "Go on now. I'll see you and Audrey tonight."

Cole was right. He knew him too well. This song and just about every song he ever wrote were about Rayna. She was in his blood, always would be.

He wrote this one after his third stint in rehab, but it started to take shape during his first stay.

 _It was day 21. It was the first day he could have visitors. Rayna was coming to see him. He hadn't not seen her for 24 hours in all the time they were together, until now. The withdrawal from the alcohol was hard, physically. He'd endured cold sweats and shaking for hours on end, but nothing was like the emotional ache of not being with Rayna._

 _He showered that morning and was waiting anxiously in the visitors lounge for her to come. He was so scared she wouldn't. He'd hurt her bad. The last time he saw her she was crying, clinging to him, her tears mingled with his. "Please be here for me, babe. Promise me you'll wait. I'll get better. I love you. I don't want to lose you."_

 _He wasn't so sure she wouldn't leave him. She was a rising star. They were opening for George Strait and getting fans, radio stations and labels to sit up and take notice. George called it out, declaring as he introduced her, "Ladies and gentlemen, you can say you heard her here first. The next Queen of Country, Miss Rayna Jaymes!" Why would she stay with him, a drunk, a loser, from the wrong side of the tracks? She was born of the manor, immensely talented, everybody's friend and drop dead gorgeous._

 _He was so busy convincing himself that she wasn't coming, that he nearly leapt out of his skin when he saw her. He hurried toward her and she picked up her pace as well until they collided and embraced each other so tightly that their bodies then their lips fused together. They were blind to the others in the room who openly stared at them, including Deacon's counselor, Charlie._

 _After a few minutes, Rayna pulled back, tears in her eyes, "Babe, you look great! I missed you so much. How are you?"_

 _"Better that you're here. I missed you, too, babe. I'll be home to you soon. I realize what I did to you and I'm so, so sorry. I never want this to come between us again. I want to be there for you. I want to be the man you know I can be. I love you, Ray."_

 _"Come here, let me introduce you to my counselor, Charlie. He'll tell you how good I'm doin'," Deacon declared as he pulled Rayna toward Charlie._

 _"Rayna, I've heard a lot about you. This guy can't stop talking about you." Deacon put his head down slightly and looked up at Rayna, blushing slightly. She was blushing as well. "I'm sure you two have a lot of catching up to do and today's visit is only an hour, so why don't you find a couch and talk. It was nice meeting you Rayna. Deacon, don't forget we have a session at 4 today."_

 _Deacon and Rayna found a quiet corner to talk. For that one precious hour, they talked about what was next. The whole time they kept their eyes and their hands focused on each other. When the time came to say goodbye, they wiped the tears from each other's faces and held each other until Charlie came and tapped them on the shoulder._

 _"I'll be here at 11:59 a.m. on March 4th babe. Get better. I love you." And with that Rayna walked away, but this time Deacon knew she would be there when he got out._

 _Deacon walked into his session with Charlie ten feet off the ground with a smile that wouldn't quit. "Damn, Deacon, if I had that to go home to, I'd be in a rush to get out of here, too."_

 _"Told you, doc. She's an angel. Long as I know she's waitin' on me, I'm halfway home."_

 _"Deacon, I won't argue that, she is one well-put together lady. But, something about the two of you together worries me. I've never seen two people cling together like they were trying to save each other as you two."_

 _"What are you saying, doc? Can't two people be so in love?"_

 _"It's not that Deacon. The way that you looked at her, with raw desire, reminds me of the way drunks look at the next drink. She looked at you that same way."_

 _"We love each other. Nothin' wrong with that. I'm gonna get better for her. She's home to me."_

 _"Careful, Deacon. Remember, you need to get sober for you."_

 _"Yeah, yeah, I know. But knowin' she'll be there when I am, I'm halfway home."_

* * *

She was there for him twice before, but he failed her twice. She sent him to rehab for a third time. It wasn't any easier and the tears fell just as hard. The time until he saw her was even longer that go around. He felt extreme remorse. He hated failing her.

As he often did, he wrote her a song to let her know how he was feeling. He wanted her to know that he couldn't do it without her, that he would always be home with her.

 _Like a fool, I wander  
From the home I love  
And the arms, the one who loved me, too  
Chasing the devil  
Down to Deadend Street  
Left me lonesome, broken, and blue_

 _I might stumble, and fall_  
 _I might have to crawl_  
 _Down this troubled road I am on_  
 _I might be slowed down_  
 _I won't turn around_  
 _'Cause I know I'm already halfway home_

 _I got lucky_  
 _When all my luck ran out_  
 _Rock bottom stopped me right in my tracks_  
 _'Cause I found grace_  
 _In that hopeless place_  
 _Now I'm homesick, and on my way back_

 _I might stumble, and fall_  
 _I might have to crawl_  
 _Down this troubled road I'm on_  
 _I might be slowed down_  
 _I won't turn around_  
 _'Cause I know I'm already halfway home_

* * *

"Ladies and gentlemen, it's always a pleasure to welcome my good friend, Deacon Claybourne, to the stage. Many of you who are not regulars know him as Rayna Jaymes' guitar player, but this man is beyond talented in his own right. Please give a warm welcome to Deacon Claybourne."

"Thanks, Erica. You're too kind." He settled his guitar on his lap. "This next song is very special to me. I've been a wanderin' man. I'm not a native of Nashville. I come from Natchez. But I've always believed that home is where the heart is. I've made my home here because of some very special people in my life who were there for me during troubled times. I wrote this song about 15 years ago, but I wanted to share it with you today. It's called 'Halfway Home'.

 _ **####**_

She felt like her heart was breaking as she listened to the song, much like her heart had broken every single time she'd sent him to rehab. She'd spent so many years of her life praying for strength, for him, for herself, willing him to find something deep down inside that would help him on his journey. She had nothing in her own life, really, to compare his struggle to, but she had loved him fiercely and she had never given up on him. She knew he felt like she had, that last time, but _she_ knew how much it had cost her to walk away and make him stand on his own two feet.

She glanced down at her phone to see what time it was. _10:25._ It was late and she needed to get home, so she turned and walked back down the hall and out to the alley where she'd parked. She walked over to her SUV and got in. She sat there for a moment, thinking back to the chorus of his song. _I might stumble and fall / I might have to crawl / Down this troubled road I'm on / I might be slowed down / I won't turn around / 'Cause I know I'm already halfway home._ She closed her eyes and leaned back against the headrest.

Back in those days, it had consumed her life. Not that she let it show to the public, but in her private life she was a mess. She worked hard to protect Deacon, even at risk to her own career. Every time she put him in rehab, she prayed. Prayed he would come back sober, prayed he could stay sober, prayed he wouldn't fall back into all his old patterns. But he did, every single time.

She took a deep breath and opened her eyes. Then she turned the key in the ignition and pulled out of the alley, headed for home. She emptied her mind as she drove the short distance home. When she walked in the house, it was dark and quiet. Teddy would probably already be in bed waiting for her, the girls, of course, sound asleep. She walked through the kitchen, laying her purse and keys on the island.

She stopped, looking around at the comforting, familiar surroundings. The day she had walked out of the chaos of her life with Deacon and into the steadiness of life with Teddy, she'd felt relief. Even now, coming home to this place gave her a sense of peace and tranquility. Then again, these days she felt restless, like she was searching for something. She tried to push it aside, but the restlessness wasn't so easily dismissed anymore.

She walked up the stairs and peeked in Daphne's room. She closed the door and headed for Maddie's. When she opened the door, she walked in. She went over and sat on the edge of Maddie's bed and watched her older daughter sleep. If there had been no Maddie, she wondered if she would have gone back to Deacon eventually. But there _was_ Maddie and because of her, she'd walked away, back when Deacon was on his way back home. She looked down at her daughter again. _I might be slowed down / I won't turn around / 'Cause I know I'm already halfway home._ She tried not to think about whether things might have been different, had she made different choices. She hadn't made those choices and now she was standing in the shadows, listening to him in secret.


	3. Still Letting Her Go

_What did Deacon sing every third Thursdays at the Bluebird? There are two sides to every story. Let's explore the genesis of the songs he wrote for and about Rayna and performed every third Thursday and her reaction to them. For surely, she couldn't resist knowing what was in Deacon's heart, and just maybe in hers._

 _This is a co-write with, and the brainchild of,_ _ **DeynaAU**_ _. We'll be taking opposite POV's and presenting how we think Rayna and Deacon lived these songs and how they moved them. We hope you enjoy as we explore Chip's songs that never made it on the show, but are very revealing about the Deacon/Rayna relationship._

 **Still Letting Her Go**

He could feel her eyes on him. Staring at him intently like she was looking at an abstract painting, trying to figure out the lines and curves and angles - to uncover something below the surface that provided profound knowledge. She had been doing this for weeks. The few times that he caught her eye she looked away quickly, but he couldn't just let it go, let her go.

"What?" Deacon asked, exasperated by her behavior and curious as hell.

"I beg your pardon. I didn't say anything." Rayna snickered nervously.

"You didn't need to, Ray. You've been watching me the last two weeks like a cat watches a mouse hole."

Rayna blushed slightly and offered, "Sorry. I didn't realize I was doing it. My mind has been a thousand miles away. You know the tour and the record and..." She trailed off realizing that she was making a weak argument. "Well, I need to get going. The girls have a recital at school today." She turned to walk away then paused for a minute. She considered something, then yelled after Deacon who had already started for the door, "Teddy's out of town. If you don't have any plans, the girls would love to see you there. Maybe we can grab some ice cream afterwards."

A smile crept over Deacon's lips. "I love your girls, Ray, and there is nothing else I'd rather do. What time is the recital? I want to catch a meetin' tonight."

"Oh, sure. The recital starts at 7 p.m. It's in the new auditorium at the school."

"Sounds like a date." He shrugged. "Well, you know what I mean. I'll see you after my meetin'."

"Great! I'll let you girls know. They'll be thrilled. Thanks, Deacon."

* * *

Rayna looked around when they entered the auditorium in hopes of finding Deacon there. She did not see any sign of him. Rayna and Tandy took their places in the audience. As Tandy started to sit, Rayna asked her to move over one. "I want to save this end seat."

"Oh, is Teddy planning to come after all?"

"No." Rayna said curtly, knowing that her sister would not be happy to learn that Deacon would be joining them. "I invited Deacon."

Mercifully, before Rayna got to feel the brunt of Tandy's disapproval, Deacon appeared. He paused as well, not at all thrilled to see Tandy. But they both had mastered adulting by this stage of their lives and they greeted each other politely.

"Tandy."

"Deacon."

"Hey, Ray."

"Thanks for being here, Deacon. Buckle up. We're in for a long night. The girls are last. But I did promise you, and them, ice cream, so it will all be worth it."

The lights went down and Deacon couldn't wipe the smile off his face. He knew 'this' wasn't his, but for tonight, it felt like the family he'd always wanted to have with Rayna. Her leg grazed his a couple times as they sat there and electricity ran up his leg. His heartbeat quickened and he felt something else come to life. It took every bit of self-control to cool his jets. He reminded himself several times that Rayna wasn't his and this wasn't his family. He lost that a long time ago.

After the girls performed, he couldn't stop gushing over their talent. "Ray, those girls are as beautiful and talented as their mama." Rayna smiled a mile wide and caught Tandy's eye, silently silencing her. She didn't need any Tandy sass to ruin the night. Everything was perfectly innocent so there was no need to open that can of worms.

"Deacon!" The girls squealed in unison upon seeing him.

"Well, if it ain't the Conrad sisters. Y'all were amazing. Your mama better watch her back. I think we have the next queens of country music right here."

"Really?"

"Really."

Deacon looked at Rayna. "Well, if I remember correctly, your mama promised me ice cream. How about we hold her to that promise?"

"Yes. Can we go to Jeni's, Mom? I've been dying to try their new gooey butter cake ice cream," Daphne pleaded.

"Deacon?"

"No objections here."

"You in, Tandy?"

"Wouldn't miss it for the world," Tandy said sarcastically. Rayna gave her a look, knowing full well that Tandy was going to babysit her.

"No need for us to take three cars. I have the Escalade. Why don't y'all hop in and we'll head over to Jeni's together, then I'll drop you back here afterwards." They all piled into Rayna's SUV. The girls cranked up the radio and sang along to the latest Juliette Barnes' song throwing Rayna, Deacon and Tandy into a fit of laughter.

It was a beautiful Nashville fall evening. They got their ice cream cones and sat outside the shop to enjoy people watching and star gazing. Maddie and Daphne chatted with friends who happened to show up there as well, while Deacon, Rayna and Tandy took a walk down memory lane, remembering when they used to come here after school or after gigs.

They were having such a wonderful evening they quickly lost track of time. Just as Rayna realized how late it was her phone rang. "Teddy, how are you? The recital was long and boring, but our daughters brought the house down. Yeah, let me get them. Girls, say 'hi' to your father."

"Daddy! It was sooooo much fun to sing on stage!" Daphne gushed.

"Dad? I wish you were here. It was such a fabulous night. We were just having ice cream with Mom, Aunt Tandy and Deacon."

 _Shit!_ Rayna knew what was coming next. Teddy always got hot and bothered when she brought Deacon around the girls. When Maddie handed the phone back to Rayna she smiled to cover the storm she knew was coming. "Yes, Teddy. We were just leaving. Since you and Daddy couldn't make it, I wanted the girls to have an audience. Alright, see you tomorrow night. I love you, babe. Bye." She put a smile on her face and looked back at the group. "Alright, what do you say? Time to wrap up this party."

With that, they piled back into Rayna's SUV, but this time, Deacon took control of the radio. Juliette Barnes was replaced by Waylon, Willie and Loretta, and Deacon and Rayna sang at the top of their lungs while the girls rolled their eyes.

When they got back to the school parking lot, Rayna stopped. "Alright Tandy, Deacon, here are your cars."

"Thanks, babe. I love these girls and the ice cream wasn't bad either!"

"Goodnight, Tandy."

"Maddie, Daphne, you girls are going places. Ray, thanks for giving me a story to be able to say, 'I knew them when'. I'll catch you at Sound Check on Monday."

Rayna felt so light and happy. It really was a perfect night. Sharing this moment with Deacon. He looked so happy, too.

* * *

She couldn't have helped herself if she wanted to, but as she drifted off to sleep, her mind turned toward Deacon Claybourne.

 _They were sitting on a swing on a wraparound porch with a gentle summer breeze blowing, eating ice cream. He was eating from her cone. She was eating from his, licking it salaciously. They were looking at each other with a raw hunger. He licked her cone then captured her mouth, kissing her deeply, eliciting a satisfied moan._

 _Their ice cream was melting rapidly. Deacon threw his over the porch and grabbed Rayna's and did the same. Rayna feigned indignation, but quickly acquiesced when Deacon's cool mouth traveled down her neck and his hands wandered up to her breasts. Rayna closed her eyes and leaned back, letting him devour her and explore her body like a blind man reads Braille. She was breathing heavily. When his hands caressed her legs she responded by letting her legs fall apart to give him full access to her core._

 _When he reached up under her skirt, he smirked against her lips. "You don't got no panties on, Ray."_

" _Oops. How did I forget those?" She teased. She grabbed his hand and pressed it to her center. He could feel that she was wet and ready for him._

 _He lifted her onto his lap, her skirt creeping well beyond propriety. She grabbed the hem of his t-shirt and pulled it over his head then ran her hands along his well-sinewed torso, rubbing her palms over his hard nipples. His erection was straining against his jeans, so much so that he thought he was literally going to break out of the zipper. He reached down to relieve himself and when his member sprang forward he let out a huge breath. Rayna gasped as well looking hungrily at his manhood, needing him in her now._

When Rayna's alarm went off at 8 a.m. she popped up with a jolt. She was soaked in sweat and breathing hard. She was a little embarrassed by her reaction to being near Deacon. Thank goodness Teddy was not around.

 _Does this mean something? Am I playing with fire by going to his sessions at the Bluebird? Does he feel the same way?_

 _ **####**_

As he drove back across town, Deacon's mind settled on Rayna, as it often did. Even though it had been well over a decade since they had been together in any meaningful way, he couldn't stop holding onto the hope that one day they might find their way back to each other. When he really thought about it, it seemed unlikely. She seemed happy in her marriage to Teddy, content to be a wife and mother when she wasn't on the road. It was, in fact, what she'd always wanted, even back to the days when they were still together.

He chewed at his lip, thinking about how it was all his fault that hadn't happened. It wasn't that he didn't want to marry her, have a family, have that life she had now. But being a drunk and having that kind of life just didn't seem to go together. At least as far as Rayna was concerned. He'd probably asked her to marry him, in some way, shape, or form, a thousand times. Sometimes when he was sober, but mostly when he was drunk. In the beginning, she would laugh and deflect it, either not answering or saying they weren't established enough. Somehow, it would always circle back to her career, although eventually he realized her career had very little to do with it.

As time went on though, she stopped laughing about it. She would sigh or she would shake her head sadly or she would scowl at him, and then it would turn into an argument. About how she couldn't depend on him, how she couldn't trust him to stay sober, how she didn't want to end up a widow. And she surely didn't want to have kids, bringing them into that kind of instability. They'd had a scare once, just before she'd put him in rehab for the third time. He felt a lump in his throat as he remembered wanting her to be pregnant, wanting that family, that security. When he'd realized she didn't feel the same, they had fought, bitterly. And it had hurt him to his core when he saw her emotional relief when it turned out she wasn't.

Now she had all that. A husband, two daughters, the big house. Homework and birthday parties and movie nights. He knew that because she would tell him all about it. Or the girls would, when they traveled with her. He wondered if Rayna knew how much it killed him inside to hear about that family life. The life _they_ were supposed to have.

Before he knew it, he was pulling up in front of his house. He got out of his truck and headed up the steps, letting himself into the empty house. The house he and Rayna had lived in once. He didn't think about that part of its history as much anymore, although on a night like this one, where he'd just spent an evening pretending, just a little bit, that he was part of that family she'd built, it loomed large.

They'd picked this place out together, actually renting it first and then buying it when Rayna got her first check after her first album launched. They had created a home here and, as he walked through to the kitchen, he thought about fixing meals at that stove and building fires in the fireplace and writing songs on the floor of the living room.

He got a bottled water and carried it into his bedroom, the same bedroom they'd usually ended up in after writing those songs on the floor of the living room. He looked at the bed, where they'd spent so many nights together and where he now had spent so many nights alone. He took a deep breath and then headed for the bathroom.

* * *

He woke up with a start, disoriented for just a moment. He turned his head and saw the empty side of the bed next to him and his heart ached. He'd just been dreaming, about her, a mish mash of things that included sitting beside her at the recital the night before and eating ice cream with her girls and sitting together on the floor in his living room. There had been smiles and kisses and touches, her hand holding his, the look in her eyes, as she gazed up at him, filled with love. There was laughter and hugs and then feeling himself deep inside her, as she cried out his name in ecstasy.

He closed his eyes and heard the words in his head. _Every morning, when I rise / I think about her, I open my eyes / When I look beside me / She's still gone / And every day feels like the first / Little bit better, little bit worse / Like an old freight train / This pain keeps going on._

His heart hurt, the tears in his eyes burned, the feeling of despair haunted him. The siren call of the whiskey bottle had taken everything away from him that mattered. He could talk for days, if he cared to, about the demons that haunted him and chased him on that dark road to hell and how that was what lost him the woman he loved and the life he was meant to have. But he'd been weak back then and he'd eventually give in to that darkness, letting it pull him away. He only had himself to blame, as he stood on the sidelines and watched her have everything they'd ever dreamed of with someone else.

He sat up, rubbing his face. Then he got out of bed, walked out to the living room, picked up his guitar and started to write.

* * *

He was about two-thirds of the way through his set. The crowd was good that night, almost every seat filled. He'd done a mix of the songs he and Rayna had written together and songs he'd written himself. "I'm gonna do a new one," he said. "Just wrote it actually, not even a week ago. It's about love and loss and regret and knowing there ain't nothing you can do to change it."

 _Every morning, when I rise I  
Think about her, I open my eyes  
When I look beside me  
She's still gone  
And every day feels like the first  
Little bit better, little bit worse  
Like an old freight train  
This pain keeps going on_

 _They said "time will heal these wounds, I pray it will"_  
 _But lately it just seems to be standing still_  
 _She's not here, it's all I know_  
 _She couldn't stay_  
 _And I'm still letting her go_

 _We would laugh until we cried_  
 _Just sit silent, side by side_  
 _Never thought that I'd_  
 _Be alone_  
 _Now she's gone, and gone for good_  
 _And I'm here thinking how I would've_  
 _Held on so much tighter_  
 _If I'd known_

 _They said "time will heal these wounds, I pray it will"_  
 _But lately it just seems to be standing still_  
 _She's not here, it's all I know_  
 _She couldn't stay_  
 _And I'm still letting her go_

 _They said "time will heal these wounds, I pray it will"_  
 _Oh, but lately it just seems to be standing still_  
 _She's not here, it's all I know_  
 _She couldn't stay_  
 _And I'm still letting her go_  
 _She couldn't stay_  
 _And I'm still letting her go_

 _ **####**_

Listening, as she always did, in the shadows and with her ear, it was clear that he did feel the same and was as tortured as her. She didn't know what she was going to do about it or why she cared, but she did. Her career was stagnant, her marriage was comfortable but passionless, her father was playing games with her family. If she really thought about what she wanted, it was him – her friend, her confidante, her muse. She knew now she couldn't let him go.


End file.
